There’s an essay that pretty much anyone in college admissions knows. It’s an NYU applicant’s essay from many, many years ago. To this day, it remains well known in the highly selective college admissions community. But does it hold up to the highly competitive standards students nowadays are subject to? Look, it’s exceptionally well written. Rarely — and we mean rarely — have we seen students with this kind of writing ability. To top it all off, it’s pretty funny. The guy can make 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes.

But that doesn’t mean we’d encourage anyone applying to college in the 2020s to emulate this unique style. For one thing, any admissions officer, old or young, will immediately know who you’re trying to emulate, and your essay will seem derivative in comparison. Moreover, while this essay’s playful, tongue-in-cheek style may have played well in the 1980s, colleges today don’t want to admit edge lord students who risk offending anyone on their applications (for better or worse!).

So, without further ado, let’s read the most well-known and highly regarded essay in all of the college admissions industry:

The Most Famous Essay in All of College Admissions

“I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30-minute brownies in 20 minutes.

I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire.

I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But, I have not yet gone to college.”

Why This Essay Doesn’t Work for Modern College Admissions

Does it hold up? It certainly is still quite funny. And it’s undoubtedly far more well-written than most high schoolers’ essays. But it doesn’t say anything about the applicant. We don’t come away with any knowledge of his interests, areas of expertise, ambitions, or college plans (beyond, perhaps, tackling the comedy scene!). And don’t even mention the singular admissions hook! Possibly worst of all, the basis of this essay is bragging and boasting. Even though it’s done in the spirit of good fun, admissions officers today would not respond well to this peculiar mix of self-aggrandizing and exaggeration.

There is still absolutely room to have fun in your essays, but tread lightly, as tongue-in-cheek humor and stylistic flair can easily cross over into unlikability. Your singular hook should still be front and center — don’t let anything distract you from driving it home!

Unsure of how to capture this delicate balance of entertaining prose and strategic content? Ivy Coach’s team of former elite college admissions officers will help your child craft compelling essays that optimize their odds of admission to highly selective schools. 

Simply fill out our complimentary consultation form to get started, and we’ll be in touch with an outline of our services.